When it rains, it pours...

Well, since January I have been living at home...where I have had close to zero cell phone coverage. I have been with ATT for 11 years (well, Bell South, Cingular, etc.) and have never had a desire to change until now. When I was in highschool, of course there was no cellular coverage anywhere I was (read boondocks)...school, work/pool, home and never on the road to those places or on the road to those places...(which totally defeats the purpose of a mobile phone, guys, I know...)....just not great, but cell phones were new and there was no other networks, no Verizon.

When Verizon was invented ;) my mom switched over and has been satisfied ever since, but I was in Athens and SSI so ATT was still fine with me. I went to the iPhone, and there was no Verizon option for that either...so when I moved back, I was just trying to deal with it--and I have for 5 months. BUT it has become ridiculous to be paying $100/mo. for a phone I can use about 45% of the time... Now that Verizon has an iPhone option and the same plan I had at ATT...it seemed like something to consider. But nothing is every really that easy.

I contacted ATT first to see how much it was going to cost me to break my contract, which is not up until January...$90...ok. Not the worst news, not a deal breaker... New iPhone (because my iPhone is an ATT phone, I cannot use it at Verizon if I WANTED to...) Data plan, minutes plan, prorates and other things I don't care to understand...accessories and case that aren't compatible with my old phone's accessories and case... $250. Alright...again, not ideal...but might turn out to be worth it if I can use my phone now.

So I have no contacts, pictures, songs, nothing until I sync it to my computer...and wouldn't you know...things get more complicated. Error...we can't sync this iPhone with this version of iTunes...you need to go to this site and download our new and improved--but FREE version. Ooookkkkkk. Minor [free] setback.

Error...ohhh we can't down the newest version of iTunes on this computer because your operating system is too old. You need to download the newest version of Snow Leopard [which you should have done when it came out...several years ago...] Ok, I get it, I'm behind...I've been meaning to do the whole Snow Leopard thing anyway...sign me up...where can I download THAT.

Ohhh, it's not a downloadable thing, you have to buy it in a store or have it shipped to you. No thanks. I went to bed. I carried 2 phones all day, one for contacts, the other for use.

So I get renewed resolve to make this all work, plan on buying the OS, all that jazz and when I pull out my computer to do some work I notice my power cord isn't lighting up. It isn't charging the computer at all...it seems like it too is a piece. I checked several outlets on several different walls and alas it was the charger. SO I carried it in to Peach Mac and had them just confirm that the cord was the only problem. Yes, and no, of course. The cord is the problem, but I "really need to replace the battery as well." Oh really? You know what I will not be replacing? The battery. Well, it will run if it plugged in but... yeah, I'm usually never in a place where I need to use it that I can't plug it in, so maybe next month...or better yet, never.

SO power adapter $80. New operating system $29.99--ohhhhh, wait. "What OS are you running now?" Tiger, 10.4... Yeah, you are going to need the boxed set... Good. Fine, please ring me up now... But it's not $29.99...it's...$170. Oh yeah. [Expletive] $270, heading home. To cry about how stupid I am to even think I need a phone that is worth all of this trouble and money, when people have lived for centuries with out them...and I don't even have a friend to my damn name to call anyway.

$270+$250+$90+$610. NOT COUNTING the monthly bill to ATT that will be at least $95 and the first one to Verizon that "looks like it will be somewhere in the neighborhood of $170." That's the phone/computer. Now let's talk about the car.

Due for an oil change, needs it's "90,000 mile check up"... (though Honda probably uses the word diagnostic test rather than check up...) probably needs new tires... [I'm prepared to pay $400 for the diagnostic thing...but I'm probably putting off new tires (again).] "wait, it's at 105,000 miles?" Clearly. Well it needs new spark plugs and valve replacements. Ok, how much are those? (Surely not enough to make my already over $400 check much more, right?) $230. Ugh! alright.

"Ohhhhhh...." [long pause] "Have you had your timing belt replaced?" Um, you can guess... Well above ALL ELSE he would say that the timing belt needs to be replaced at 105,000 miles. BECAUSE if the timing belt breaks your car DIES...and there is no telling how much damage it will cause WHEN it breaks. HEAD damage. [Oh. NOW it all makes sense...so again] "Fine, do that too, how much is it?" [A belt won't be more than what like $18...] $975. The belt itself.

I just had to walk out of the place and cry. And call my mom. Who says we can get it done cheaper elsewhere to leave. I walked back in and told him to change the oil and that's it. Then I went to lunch. Which was as equally pleasant an experience as the car dealership...and returned to pick up my car a couple of hours later.

I was greeted by a rather sheepish looking man, the same one from earlier in the day who promptly asked me to pardon him but, "You don't need a new timing belt after all, your car doesn't even HAVE a timing belt." [It has a timing chain...]

WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE TRYING TO DO TO ME?!? I AM SERIOUSLY HAVING A MASSIVE STROKE-HEART-ATTACK-ANXIETY ATTACK-EMBOLISM and could you please just GET IT OVER WITH MORE QUICKLY AND JUST RUN OVER ME OR SHOOT ME OR SOMETHING ELSE LESS PAINFUL.

Sewing

I mentioned that I have been sewing a lot...well, here's the line!

Basic Skirt*

Custom measured elastic waistband

19”-22” in length

40”-55” around

*Provides the basic structure and fit for all skirts

Classic

Print or pattern skirt with coordinating solid 2”-3” hem, solid skirt with coordinating patterned 2”

-3” hem, and/or added accents* at hem.

*Ribbon, bias tape, lace, piping, etc.

Ruffle

Print or pattern skirt with coordinating solid 2”-3” ruffle at the hem, solid skirt with coordinating patterned 2”-3” ruffle, pattern skirt with same pattern ruffle with added accents*

*Ribbon, bias tape, lace, piping, etc.

Triple Ruffle

Print or pattern skirt with three tiers of coordinating ruffles. Option to space or overlap the rows of ruffles.

Straight Accent

Print or pattern skirt with coordinating solid ½” -1” ribbon or bias tape accent* strip. 1 or 2 strip options available.

*Ribbon, bias tape, lace, piping, etc.

(one strip)

(two strips)

Straight Laced

Print or pattern skirt with a simple laced-edge hem.

Scalloped

Print or pattern skirt with scalloped hemline, lace trimmed.

Apron

Print or pattern skirt with coordinating patterned top layer which is 2”-3” shorter than bottom layer creating the apron-like effect. Apron can come with or without lace trim.

Convertible

Two simple coordinating straps can be added (snap or button) to any skirt to become a dress or top, depending on length. Straps can have accents added or be made of accents entirely. Eg. Ribbon, lace.

Pillowcase

Pillowcase-style dresses can be made into most* of the skirt styles. Simple ribbons create the shoulder straps and can be tied into a bow only at one shoulder or two bows, one at each shoulder. Ribbon sizes and length vary, can be worn as a dress or a “top.”

Button dress

(Baby and Child sizes only)

Classic dress can be made into many* of the skirt styles. Bows at the shoulders are removable. Can be made into dress or top lengths, matching bloomers or diaper covers are available. [Will add matching fabric as ruffles to existing pants or capris.]

*Both dresses can be made with the following styles:

Classic

Ruffle

Triple Ruffle

Scalloped

Straight Accent

Straight Laced

Apron

April Recap...?

I don't guess I care about goals... I have once again missed my blog-goal of 2/month AGAIN. Failing miserably. I feel like 2 posts per month is NOT that HARD... once every two weeks... Well, it didn't happen.

Resorting to bullet point lists again, the April recap:

Can NOT believe it's MAy, I'm not sure where April even went AND nothing really even happened. (I started to make a fake post that said, "April recap:" and purposefully leave it blank...then I decided I should TRY a little to chronicle my life a bit better--and I found that I DO have some things to update about! Woo!

I have really enjoying reconnecting with SO many friends! From lunch and dinner, to the Botanical gardens and more, it has been so nice being back in proximity with friends :) I have been very encouraged by the things that are happening in their lives. (yes, four) Sarah, Sarah, Sarah and Sara; one of MY baby-sitters, Mary Jo; the DPH family, and a couple of random run-ins have made my day!

The aforementioned family has also "dragged" me back to church the past month. I LOVED the first series about seeing God as a perfect Father and so far, I've enjoyed the first part of the current series.

Although I failed at giving up something for lent (as I usually do--not because I start and fail but because I can never really figure out what would be worth it to give up for those 6 weeks.) I did do something special for Good Friday. I attended my first Secret Church--which was incredible. It was intense and late, but it was so good. We basically did 6 hours of Bible study, went through this whole guide, and learned about the Crucifixion, Salvation and the Glory of God. What I loved best was that it was TRUTH. Not sugar coated, not careful-not-to-offend or trying-not-to-step-on-toes...just God's Word. He was funny--my favorite part of the humor was when he was telling about an article that was written about him or one of his messages in the paper and quoted him quoting the Bible and everyone getting mad saying, "He said God hates sinners!" (versus God hates the sin, LOVES the sinner...) and he quoted the verse which actually says the word "abhors" in it and he laughed when he read it out and said, that's it "maybe I should have said 'abhors.' ANYWAY. It was real funny.

Secret church, talking with friends, and lots of other things have just super encouraged me, validated, somewhat justified a lot of things I have been feeling lately and just wondering what God is doing here in Athens and in my heart--I am loving it! A lot of times in several of the places I have been in the past I haven't ever felt quite "on board" with things other people were saying, thinking, feeling that the Lord was saying or doing...and I think this kind of might be how it feels to be "on board"--although I'm not sure WHAT exactly it IS that He's doing...

I've been having an increasingly hard time trying to find somewhere to lay out. Come on friends, step up to help people in need when they no longer live at the beach. A quiet grassy area in direct sunlight will work. I come with my own chair.

I had a super fun weekend with my "sister" Erika, she blogged about the weekend here, but the great part was that at the said "yard sailing" I happened upon my very own, most coveted, serger! A serger is a type of sewing machine designed to finish edges a little more professionally than I typically can. Well, seeing as how I wanted one for my birthday but couldn't really justify spending so much money on something I had never ever tried to use before, I had decided to by a used one first to practice/learn on...I just hadn't found one yet. [You know, like getting a 16 year-old a brand new car, or a kid who wants to try piano lessons a baby grand...] Erika asked if I was looking for anything in particular that morning and I said "no, I can't think of a single thing I need/want." We walked into the first sale and BAM. There it was. So I bought it! I was thrilled! AND if I had thought, "I hope to find a serger..." I never would have found one! So I have been sewing like mad and I LOVE it!

Let's see...work...Well, I have bee solely in the 2's room for I think about a month now and haven't been told anything official like I'm the teacher or anything...so up until last week I just was in there and did what I could. But then I had had enough of skipping calendar time because it still said "March" and took a little ownership of the class and it's been going well. The kids are responding a little better...though on any given day I have at least one of the "terrors." (Of which there are 4...) BAD days involve more than one or ALL of them. But most of the rest of them are cute and funny and good. Management on the other hand is difficult. I have on 10-13 kids by myself (against the law). I usually don't have the supplies I need to run a sanitary classroom (hand sanitizer, disinfecting spray/lysol, or general disinfectant for tables, counters, toys, diaper mats, etc. Again, against the law.) But I am not 100% sure who governs her so I'm not actually going to contest it... SO I just broke down and bought my own supplies and bring them in and out everyday (including a little step stool so my kids can reach the sink and we can use soap and running water (which is required for children over 2 anyway :) ).

The main thing that has helped is consistency and boundaries. It took pretty much constant work in the beginning, and since most of them don't come everyday making a different group everyday, it's not always smooth no, but they at least know what they're supposed to be doing (whether they do it or not...) They know that they sit and play at the table during arrival, toys are closed except those which have been put out on the tables [manipulatives]. We clean up, set up out chairs for group and line up to go outside. (All of these transitions have songs that we sing.) The playground is the worst for "rule breakage" mostly because there are so many rules. No climbing on ropes, no sliding down the slide, no monkey bars, (basically the playground is for bigger kids). No playing in the bushes, no swinging on tummies, no sticks, no throwing mulch, out of the swing area if you aren't swinging, away from the fence, plus all the other no hitting, scratching, biting, pushing, kicking; share with your friends rules. It's exhausting.

I've also started using themes with them, art, story and songs all supporting whatever theme we are talking about and it at least makes me feel like we are doing something more than just pulling some stupid "art" project [read: craft that requires WAY more teacher prep and participation than children actually experiencing any medium or process of art...(soapbox)]. Group time is consistent and fun, they participate well, I think some of them get the concepts anyway. We sing a lot, do lots of movement exercises (and spend as much time outside as possible!)

Basically because it is 9-1 and pretty good money for part time I will stick it out but I am praying a new job will happen pretty soon. I'm praying about something specific but I will give an update as soon as there is anything real to update on--but you can pray with me!

Part of the "new job" needs to involve a move. I never intended the Greensboro thing to become permanent and I can't believe I have been home for four months (next week). But though the time is going by fast, I feel really unsettled and have had way more anxiety than is healthy again.

I did finally break down and paint the room--trying to remember not to make it "home" and resign to stay but to make it better while I am here. I'm trying SO hard to keep the anxiety at bay but it is just NOT working. I can give exciting details if you ask me in person. And all I can report as far as health goes is that allergies. are. a. bitch. I've decided that my sinuses must be so inflamed that they're not stopped up all the time, they are just the size of a capri-sun straw and just CAN'T let that much air in anymore! I am ready to breathe again. I'm also ready to get some insurance so I can go to an allergist and figure out WHAT it is that I am deathly allergic to and determine and appropriate action (that is not OTC seasonal allergy relief.)

Last point...I have said I will never be dog sitting again...but I took back that word and agreed to today. It isn't until June...and I am hoping that it is a redeeming dog-sitting experience. But that's just a cute little example of how you should never tell God you'll never do something...

Bye.

Blessing

Fact #1: A lot of time God speaks to me through songs. I'm sure that's what, at least worship songs, are partially intended for but, a lot of times through secular songs as well.

Fact #2: I like to listen to songs on repeat. For a long time. Like weeks. My brother used to HATE this. The minute he turned 16 and could drive he begged to because whoever drove was in charge of the music. He didn't want to hear "A huge bell I ring" one more time. :) That was my song that [time]. Most of the time its only for a few months and there could be up to 5 songs or so...

Fact #3: Sometimes the only things written in my journal are beautiful lyrics that mean something to me...

Fact #4: Right now it is a new Laura Story song called "Blessing" and I want to embroider the lyrics onto a big, favorite pillow and hug them as tight as I can and just sob until it doesn't hurt anymore and then gather myself up again and stand, clinging to hope--that it is my song.

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home,

It's not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise

I'll put the song on here if I know how...

Month and Life Recap

Bulleted list style--

*I had 6th laser hair removal treatment (of 9). It was the worst pain imaginable...though I've never really experienced any terribly painful things...broken bones, stitches, labor...still. TERRIBLE. I would love to insert an analysis of my treatments but I'm not sure how to most effectively do so: No numbing cream on #1, #6; Numbing cream used on #2-#5; Allergic reaction on #3 and #6...leads me to the reaction isn't numbing cream related at least... Um, treatments #1, #3, #6 were in Buford, #2 at Perimeter and #4 and #5 were in Savannah...so probs not the location--BUT both times I reacted I had a technician named Grace. Pretty sure I don't ever want her again...Enough of that

*Had one really happy shopping day at the MAll of GA, got lots of good deals on cute clothes, stayed strong and did NOT give in to Dippin' Dots (This. Is. Huge. People. I GO to GA games FOR Dippin' Dots (and cheerleaders, sun and cute tailgating clothes.) I almost go to Six Flags for the Dippin' Dots...almost.) Discovered Charming Charlie. Accesory store. Words don't do justice. It is worse than HOBBY LOBBY for my retail therapy. I got an AWESOME green necklace and earrings this time. (I'm going back Friday)

*It has been the most beautiful, warm, sunny March I have seen in YEARS!!!

*I didn't get to go to Jamaica...it was very sad. Please ask for tradgic details...

*I had a birthday. I'm 27 years-old

*I have gone a little crazy sewing and have made 9 new skirts...I can't WAIT to wear a different one every day of the summer!!! Maybe if I were a picture poster I would show you...Maybe one day I will become a picture poster...

*My friend Sarah returned from Africa when she found out she has cancer. I'm thankful for the time we've gotten to spend together in the days she has been back! God is working miracles!

*Lots of friends are having babies--I LOVE me some babies (but I'm so glad they aren't mine :))

*I am WELL...After 4 months of being sick, I am well. No medicine, no fever. Just in time for allergies.

*Let's see...enjoying preschool, really loving my kids and half days!

*I will never EVER dog sit ever again. Enough said.

*I got a big tax return...and then someone fraudulently used my debit card. So...I'm waiting on a new one and taking care of all my automatic bill pays...Boo...

*6th annual Restoration happened. Attended with my dear friend Christina...but it was still just sad.

*SSI friends visited, that was just sad too...

So basically I am just cramming in one more post this month. I really could have/should have written a post about each one of the events listed above but I didn't. I MIGHT try to do better next month. (I'm 2 days early for that to be an April Fool's joke...) All in all, it was a nice month weather wise, financially, and socially (but for maybe 3 occasions). It was a bust anxiety-and-all-wise...but here's to next month--His mercy is new every morning!

Why Lizards and Yogurt don't mix...

My youngest "brother" David, who is not all that young anymore (will be 12 in June) is funny. He is actually hilariously funny...but he *thinks* he is funny too and therefore ruins it a lot of the time. He also has the ability to be extremely obnoxious.

Today was a beautiful day and we were all outside doing various activities, Lydia and I were playing softball. David and his pal from across the street were playing basketball in the driveway and Christopher had a tennis racket (but was hitting rocks, acorns and a water bottle around--hey, it couldn't really be THAT nice...someone HAD to be destroying something.)

Lydia started whining that she was hot and tired (and clearly over softball (it was like 65 degrees and perfect, we hat played catch for about 10 minutes and she batted about 15 times, can't WAIT for the real season to start...) so I began to head inside. I don't tolerate the whining much.

I took the long route, through the basketball game and noticed they were throwing the ball at this place on the fence and asked what they were doing. Trying to catch a lizard... OK. I don't really even bother asking "why" when I get answers like this. Christopher [stopped hitting the water bottle around with the tennis racket and] picked up the softball Lydia and I had abandoned and decided to "shoot" a basket with it which immediately redirected my attention from the lizard hunt to screaming at him that he was going to shatter the back board and someone was going to kill him for it, that he never took care of anything he had and how could he expect to be entrusted nice things if he only destroyed what he already had!?! This is a recurring theme of my lectures. I don't even let David near most of my belongings--especially accessories or anything having small or separate parts. He would pick at them and tear it up in 2 seconds.

Then Lydia and I made in into the house. I'd love to say Christopher came in too, ashamed, tail between his legs...but we all know that he cared nothing for what I had to say and probably resumed hitting rocks with a tennis racket (probably more closely directed at my car for that matter...) Eventually David came in as we were getting ready to leave for church and "nonchalantly" stated that there was a lizard on my car ["Really, it is. It's still there. We glued it there."] and walked off. I say nonchalantly in quotes because David never REALLY says anything in passing, he will repeat it until it is acknowledged, but he tries to get a reaction by WHAT he says... And he had already told me [lying] that I'd had a spider on my head... so I didn't really listen/care. I muttered some "uh huh" under my breath or something so he wouldn't keep telling me multiple times ignoring my efforts to ignore him...and continued getting ready to go.

I was only taking Lydia with me, the other were meeting us there so she and I went ahead out to the car...where we did see a lizard on my windshield. Lydia wanted it to ride all the way to church there but I told her I would go down the driveway and if it started to move I would stop there and put him in the grass. I didn't want him flying off somewhere on the way and hurting himself...or dying... [I like to imagine my friend Becca reading this story right now, partially because of her fondness for lizards and their close relatives...and her shuddering at the thought that I would find it necessary to show mercy to such a creepy crawly creature...]

So lizard made it down the driveway and hadn't move so I continued on. He greatly amused us as we threw out theories on why he wasn't moving and was he dead or not, shedding his skin (not my theory) or just had strong stickiness on his toes enabling him to stay on despite the speed and wind. Lydia was convinced he was shedding his skin. I argued that I didn't think lizards shed (but please correct me if I am wrong) I was convinced he'd gotten dropped or squished (or hit with a basketball...) and was dying a slow painful death on my windshield. He even had little clear smudge/smear marks where he looked like he had slid down a little from the original position... I was sure those smudges were guts...

But finally a gust of wind whipped his tail around and his body seemed to fly up a bit--but his legs and arms didn't move--he was stuck! I immediately remembered David saying something about gluing...and I pulled over immediately appalled. He was STUCK to the windshield! I had to scrape his little feet and hands free and then set him free in the grass.

I was distraught. I pretty much immediately called Carrie and told her to tell David I was calling the police and reporting him for animal cruelty and he might go to jail. He believed her and confessed the whole story...luckily his intent was not cruelty, but mischief, it just went awry...

Scene 1:

David and Davis think it would be funny to put lizard on Catherine's car.

It would be funnier if lizard left little lizard foot print marks all over Catherine's windshield.

We need something to cause tracks...hmmm...how about yogurt?

Yes.

Let us DIP lizard into yogurt and place him on the windshield.

Scene 2:

Yogurt-coated-lizard (how appetizing) is placed on to warm, directly sun-lit windshield.

Lizard LIKES the warm sun-lit windshield and proceeds to sun bathe awhile, recovering from the traumatic yogurt bath he has just encountered...

However, he awakes he finds himself--BAKED.DRIED.CEMENTED in place on windshield and then...

GASP--whipping along a road at 60 MPH!

Large girl human coming around the car with an ice scraper...and finally lizard is free...

...to seek lizard counseling for PTSD...ASAP...OMG...TTYL...

Regretting it all.

“Oh blog,” in the famous words of King Triton, “what have I done? What. Have. I. Done?”

I never should have moved. I never should have left the beach and my job and my simple island life. It was the best thing ever. Of course I missed familiarity and friends, and Hobby Lobby, Carrabba’s, Panera and Barnes and Noble, really any shopping at my finger tips. But here is the truth—I was just running away from the past. I wanted to start a new life by burying the old one…but it wasn’t dead to bury and I couldn’t build on that kind of a foundation. But I didn’t need to realize that now, I promise. I would have really been ok waiting a few years for a couple of cracks in the foundation to emerge…and I would fix those…why did I have to come back here and re-open all kinds of wounds that had probably already begun to heal?

I’m kind of at a place where I just want to do things quickly…not necessarily well… Which is NOT like me at all. If you are familiar at all with the Strengths Finder analysis, I am a Maximizer...I don't want to do things good, I want to do them the best. I would rather start from scratch, work harder and make something EXCELLENT than clean up someone else's mess and make it better or good. But here I am. Take my closet painting job. I didn’t repair the drywall, I just painted over it and hoped it didn’t dissolve the wall or anything. I guessed I could always go back and fix it later (which I realize makes me do double the work in the end, but that was a risk I was willing to take.) By the end I had several spots on the ceiling thanks to a careless roller, a good many areas needing a thorough second coat, and a bit of trim work to perfect…but I decided it was “good enough” because I was sick of doing it anymore—much like my life.

Another instance, say you cut yourself or bust your head open and have to get stitches. Once it starts healing the stitches have to be removed so it can heal properly and completely, for minimal scarring…well, I would be just fine with having some stitches stuck inside me for awhile rather than going through the pain of going back in and taking them out. I am even ok with the scars at this point…you have them either way, just depends on how big you can handle them and for me, I would rather deal with big scars later than big pain now.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t do it forever…though I didn’t realize this was what I was consenting to when I decided to move back here…and now here I am back in the hospital and the surgeon has to remove the stitches AND correct the other damages. But while he’s inside my heart he’s going to realize what I recently have: it is worse than we thought…I have a BIG problem. I make BAD choices and I actually suck at life. (Those are the main ones.) The real one however is that I have developed this coping mechanism that I would have NEVER said I employed before: avoidance/denial…and it is just causing me more and more pain.

Before, if I had a problem or conflict of interest, if I wasn’t comfortable or didn’t enjoy something, if I had a question, comment, even a thought that popped into my pretty little head…I made it known. I’ve been a “youngest child” in a sense in all of my post-high-school relationships, and one of my strengths is communication. I expressed what I thought, liked, disliked, wanted, and didn’t want. I generally didn’t have much of a preference when it comes to things, but was just along for the ride but when I did, I made my opinion known… And when I had an issue in my relationships, I was always in favor of talking about it and working it out. Always. I didn’t worry that confrontaion may cause a bigger problem like awkwardness or even the end of the relationship as long as the problem was solved and I didn’t have to deal with it anymore. (If it ruined the relationship, I was pretty sure it wasn’t going to make it for the long haul anyway, if a small confrontation couldn’t be resolved then we sure couldn’t weather a large storm.) These, I believe are healthy thoughts. People have to be able to handle some confrontation in their lives or they’re going to walk all over people or be walked all over.

But all of this has changed and I don’t know exactly what happened…I have a few guesses which I will try and explain…

I have finally been crushed by the feeling that whatever I think, want, feel, doesn’t matter anyway so why should I say anything. Nothing I say is going to change the facts so why say anything? I’m not going to bother telling you I don’t like something you are doing to me because you aren’t going to stop. AND I wouldn’t feel as if it what I say didn’t matter had people not given me that impression. For example, my mom. I am almost 30 years old and I have hated mayonnaise for, oh, ever. To this day she would still make me a sandwich with a nice glob of mayonnaise squishing out the sides. Do I say anything? No. Why? Because I have told her at least 3 times a week since I was 9 years old and took my lunch to school and she still does it. Have I tried extreme measures to get my point across? Well, multiple times I stormed in the house after school demanding food because I hadn’t eaten all day because SOMEONE put mayonnaise on my sandwich. I have also on occasion claimed the sibling favoritism card and cried, “No, HE’S the one who likes mayonnaise and you NEVER mess it up in HIS sandwich—you OBVIOUSLY love HIM more.” I think I’ve made my point. It doesn’t matter.

When I moved 4 or more hours away from everyone I knew…I [truly] didn’t have anyone that knew or cared about my opinions. I remember telling one of my best friends over the phone, “it just feels kind of like I’ve died inside.” When I did meet people and have company, I was “new” and just happy to be included and so I never spoke my opinion on matters and any inconveniences or annoyances I tried to ignore. You know, like you would tell people you are comfortable with if it is bothering you that they are popping their gum, or scraping their teeth on their fork…and they laugh and say they didn’t realize they were even doing it… OR roll their eyes and argue but you still love each other. Well, with new people, they might just hate you. So you endure the smacking.

This especially proves true when matters of the heart are involved (as opposed to my sandwich preferences…) When you get into things that hurt you, you have to be careful who you tell. You have to trust people with your heart…and when people are careless…you don’t.

If you tell me that it hurts your feelings when I don’t respond to your calls or text messages very often, and I don’t try to do better. You will stop calling.

When you spontaneously ask me to have dinner or go out and I continuously say no. You will stop asking. Most people get the hint.

If we talked regularly for years and then I don’t talk to you for 6 weeks and don’t see where the problem is with that, no excuses. You don’t want to be my friend anymore.

If you know there is something bothering me and when you ask what, I say, “nothing.” You will not ask me anymore.

I…have…completely…become…that…person.

Used to I would call you and annoy you to death, write you cards and letters asking you to please talk to me, text me back occasionally, I know you’re busy, be my friend…” I would still like a hopelessly-optimistic-person-I-am-not call you and ask if you wanted to walk, have lunch, dinner, see a movie, go to the mall, even if you always said no… I would always take your phone call and talk to you like it didn’t bother me in the slightest, even if it had been six weeks. (Or I would tell you it hurt my feelings but that it was ok and we would continue to talk for an hour.) Not now.

I don’t want to bother with any of that. If you don’t want to be my friend, that’s fine. I don’t want to be yours either. If I don’t want to eat sushi everytime we hang out, who cares, it doesn’t matter anyway. And if you ask me what is bothering me, I will absolutely say “nothing.” And that is in the case that any of you even care to ask.

I want to move back to the beach where I am 5 hours away and don’t even have to see your face. I don’t want to hang out with someone who is even rumored to be friends with you too and I don’t even really want to try and maintain friendships I still consider good friendships because no one even seems to care, nothing I want even matters.

In short, I have become an avoider of conflict. I will lie through my teeth right to your face and tell you what I think you want to hear just to get by. Small talk, bring it on, but try and dig a little deeper, fat chance. I am actually in favor of running away from your problems all together and moving to a literal island where you have to communicate only on a surface, congenial level with everyone. Where the people I run into are either much older than me and to be respected or much younger than me and not to be burdened with grown-up feelings, responsibilities or problems. See you back at the beach?