Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Why Lizards and Yogurt don't mix...

My youngest "brother" David, who is not all that young anymore (will be 12 in June) is funny. He is actually hilariously funny...but he *thinks* he is funny too and therefore ruins it a lot of the time. He also has the ability to be extremely obnoxious.

Today was a beautiful day and we were all outside doing various activities, Lydia and I were playing softball. David and his pal from across the street were playing basketball in the driveway and Christopher had a tennis racket (but was hitting rocks, acorns and a water bottle around--hey, it couldn't really be THAT nice...someone HAD to be destroying something.)

Lydia started whining that she was hot and tired (and clearly over softball (it was like 65 degrees and perfect, we hat played catch for about 10 minutes and she batted about 15 times, can't WAIT for the real season to start...) so I began to head inside. I don't tolerate the whining much.

I took the long route, through the basketball game and noticed they were throwing the ball at this place on the fence and asked what they were doing. Trying to catch a lizard... OK. I don't really even bother asking "why" when I get answers like this. Christopher [stopped hitting the water bottle around with the tennis racket and] picked up the softball Lydia and I had abandoned and decided to "shoot" a basket with it which immediately redirected my attention from the lizard hunt to screaming at him that he was going to shatter the back board and someone was going to kill him for it, that he never took care of anything he had and how could he expect to be entrusted nice things if he only destroyed what he already had!?! This is a recurring theme of my lectures. I don't even let David near most of my belongings--especially accessories or anything having small or separate parts. He would pick at them and tear it up in 2 seconds.

Then Lydia and I made in into the house. I'd love to say Christopher came in too, ashamed, tail between his legs...but we all know that he cared nothing for what I had to say and probably resumed hitting rocks with a tennis racket (probably more closely directed at my car for that matter...) Eventually David came in as we were getting ready to leave for church and "nonchalantly" stated that there was a lizard on my car ["Really, it is. It's still there. We glued it there."] and walked off. I say nonchalantly in quotes because David never REALLY says anything in passing, he will repeat it until it is acknowledged, but he tries to get a reaction by WHAT he says... And he had already told me [lying] that I'd had a spider on my head... so I didn't really listen/care. I muttered some "uh huh" under my breath or something so he wouldn't keep telling me multiple times ignoring my efforts to ignore him...and continued getting ready to go.

I was only taking Lydia with me, the other were meeting us there so she and I went ahead out to the car...where we did see a lizard on my windshield. Lydia wanted it to ride all the way to church there but I told her I would go down the driveway and if it started to move I would stop there and put him in the grass. I didn't want him flying off somewhere on the way and hurting himself...or dying... [I like to imagine my friend Becca reading this story right now, partially because of her fondness for lizards and their close relatives...and her shuddering at the thought that I would find it necessary to show mercy to such a creepy crawly creature...]

So lizard made it down the driveway and hadn't move so I continued on. He greatly amused us as we threw out theories on why he wasn't moving and was he dead or not, shedding his skin (not my theory) or just had strong stickiness on his toes enabling him to stay on despite the speed and wind. Lydia was convinced he was shedding his skin. I argued that I didn't think lizards shed (but please correct me if I am wrong) I was convinced he'd gotten dropped or squished (or hit with a basketball...) and was dying a slow painful death on my windshield. He even had little clear smudge/smear marks where he looked like he had slid down a little from the original position... I was sure those smudges were guts...

But finally a gust of wind whipped his tail around and his body seemed to fly up a bit--but his legs and arms didn't move--he was stuck! I immediately remembered David saying something about gluing...and I pulled over immediately appalled. He was STUCK to the windshield! I had to scrape his little feet and hands free and then set him free in the grass.

I was distraught. I pretty much immediately called Carrie and told her to tell David I was calling the police and reporting him for animal cruelty and he might go to jail. He believed her and confessed the whole story...luckily his intent was not cruelty, but mischief, it just went awry...

Scene 1:
David and Davis think it would be funny to put lizard on Catherine's car.
It would be funnier if lizard left little lizard foot print marks all over Catherine's windshield.
We need something to cause about yogurt?
Let us DIP lizard into yogurt and place him on the windshield.

Scene 2:
Yogurt-coated-lizard (how appetizing) is placed on to warm, directly sun-lit windshield.
Lizard LIKES the warm sun-lit windshield and proceeds to sun bathe awhile, recovering from the traumatic yogurt bath he has just encountered...
However, he awakes he finds himself--BAKED.DRIED.CEMENTED in place on windshield and then...
GASP--whipping along a road at 60 MPH!
Large girl human coming around the car with an ice scraper...and finally lizard is free... seek lizard counseling for PTSD...ASAP...OMG...TTYL...

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