Thursday, July 29, 2010

Sheee's Baaaaaaacck!

Monday morning I'd finished getting ready for work and I sat down on my couch to pray a little. I was thinking about my week of work, all of the things I would have to do, and of course little thoughts crept in like, "What kind of drama will so and so cause...who is going to be upset at who...and what is little Bobby's mom going to have a problem with today...what if the state lady comes to inspect...what ELSE is going to happen that I have no idea (or care) what to do about..." to the point that I began to dread even THINKING about my job at ALL... I gave up all of my worries and anxiety about it to the Lord (again) and got up after writing this last line in my journal, "God, please, just don't let it be another day [with out Mrs. Director.]"

While I had been journaling a text came through on my phone but since I try my best to not allow myself to be distracted during the little time I do allot for devotion, I didn't check it until I was finished. I had actually forgotten about it until I went to put my phone in my purse and walk out the door. When I remembered the text I saw that it was from Ms. G.M. and all it said, "She's back!"

I knew immediately that she was referring to Mrs. Director because that's all we had been hoping and praying for the week before...and all I could do is collapse back onto my couch in relief, gratitude, and I don't know what else. But I shed a few tears then resumed heading in the direction of my car.

NOW. Monday ended up being SO. HARD. Tuesday was just as bad. Wednesday things started looking a little better and today was ok too.

It has been extremely difficult figuring out how to go from fight mode, just trying to survive; from doing everything, having every responsibility ultimately resting upon me; from being the acting being demoted...(de-throned :)

I was offended when she didn't like some of the things I had changed. My feelings were hurt when she [abruptly] pointed out all of the things we had been doing incorrectly, or not doing at all, (but HOW was I supposed to know WHAT to do!?!) I had done my best, worked SO hard to just make it through each day, to keep the kids safe and happy (notice I didn't say healthy...) to keep the center up and running. I mean I just had to fight to keep my head above water everyday...Ms. G.M. came in and saved us so many times and I don't know if I would have made it without her. I really might have quit. But together, we were doing alright...

Well turns out that it wasn't good enough. Why weren't we doing this? Why did we do that? Where did I put so and so teacher and why did I put her there? Why is this child in that class? Why on earth did I reorganize her filing cabinet [alphabetically and grouped according to subject]. Who would want their office organized? Well we did the best we could. Some of the things I changed I HAD to change just so I could cope! If I'm the one who has to file things, the filing system needs to make sense to ME. Also there needs to even BE a filing system... feelings were hurt, I felt like I hadn't been doing a good enough job, that even my best hadn't cut it, that I might not be meant for this job, maybe my personality can't work for someone with Mrs. Director's personality...and so I crumbled...

But I didn't cry :) Because you can't show these people weakness...they will devour that and devour me! They are beasts. Truly :)

I am now officially the assistant director, the job I was hired to do...but what does that mean? I don't even know what my responsibilities will be! So far I've sat a lot, just waiting to be told what, if anything, I can do, and trying to just relax and let Mrs. Director get back into things. I think it is hard for both of us to share control. And I have decided that in this situation it is ok to wait to be told what to do because I really am stepping all over toes unless I just let everyone settle back into things. THEN I can figure out my place, BUST back onto the scene and MAYBE get used to some semblance of a normal life...

9 1/2 weeks into my move...I should BE adjusted by now...but here we go, really just beginning to adjust to what my life really will be looking like now. And you all know how well I deal with change... I will just have to use the skills and knowledge of that one class I took in college Psychology of Adjustment...and remember how to manage, get in a nice routine...maybe it'll be easy...after 9 1/2 MORE weeks?

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